It Will All Come Right in the End: An Unflinching Conversation About Coercive Control
Interviewed by Katie Barr
Was there a particular moment when you knew this book needed to be written?
When my online community grew to 50k and I was getting daily messages from people telling me my story connected with them. People asking how to know when to leave, or what coercive control actually looks like. Saying they werent sure if their situation was bad enough to be considered abuse. I knew I needed to share the full story, so that they could see that abuse isnt always like what you see on TV.
What was the hardest part of writing so honestly about your experiences?
Allowing myself to let it all out and actually tell it. And sharing it with my mum. There was so much she didn’t know. I was worried what I wanted to say might be judged by people who read my book. As there are plenty of ugly truths about myself in the book. But I knew that telling even the parts of myself I’m not proud of would give the reader permission to feel okay about their own worst moments. I also didn’t want a poor me story. I’m no angel. But I still didn’t deserve this. And anyone else who has been through similar doesn’t deserve it either.
How did you balance protecting your family’s privacy with telling the truth?
I changed names in the book, but I didn’t protect our privacy. I made a conscious decision that we can’t have both, and one matters more than the other. My children are young now and won’t read the book yet. But I wrote a letter at the end of the book to them, because one day they will. I’m not protecting our privacy. I’m protecting their future.
The book shows how abuse can develop slowly. Why was it important to show that side of coercive control?
In the media we mostly see the extreme cases. Physical abuse, the death of one party. I wanted people to understand the slow build-up. The unseen, unsaid parts. The bits that make it confusing for the victim to even know if it is abuse. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow pattern that builds over time. That’s exactly what makes it so hard to name. Many people have heard the term coercive control but won’t know what that really is yet.
Motherhood is a major part of your story. How did becoming a mother affect the decisions you made?
Ironically, motherhood is the reason I picked my abusive ex husband in the first place. He promised me the family I wanted. It’s the reason I stayed so long, to keep that family together and to give my children the dad I didn’t have. And eventually, my children were the reason I left. They’re also the reason I built my business and wrote the books. My children gave me my reason why in everything I did and continue to do.
The book includes real messages and screenshots. Why did you decide to include them?
Because just saying what hed said didn’t feel like enough. When my sister-in-law proof read my book, she told me she needed to see them, to check her own experience against them. And I think in its most shocking format, it does something words on their own can’t. You can’t argue with a screenshot. It makes it more real for the reader.
What was the biggest turning point in your journey toward leaving and rebuilding your life?
Leaving was the moment I looked up narcissism and understood that he intended to cause me pain. That it wasn’t accidental. That changed everything. Once you see abuse for what it is you can’t unsee it.
As for rebuilding, I went from fragile to antifragile. As I healed I just wanted to take my power back. I had something to prove to my children. And I wanted to help more families heal in the way I’d helped mine. There were tough points and moments where it would have been easier to stop. But there was a determination in me to rewrite our future despite our past. That determination is still there now for me and it’s why ill continue to turn my pain into my purpose.
What surprised you most about the healing process?
I didn’t realise how long it would take. But also how good it feels each time you heal a part of yourself. And that even when you feel healed, it’s never fully done. Each new life event unlocks something new and hidden, like peeling back layers of an onion. But that’s a good thing. Healing from trauma brings out a better version of you, because you know yourself so much more deeply.
What advice would you give to the friends or relatives of someone experiencing coercive control?
Just be there for them. When they say they’re okay, ask them again. Give them a chance to say what’s really happening. Coercive control is hard to see from the outside. I wish someone had told me sooner: it’s okay to walk away from something that doesn’t feel right, even if you can’t explain why.
Is there anything you understand about yourself now that you didn’t before?
I’m stronger and braver than I ever realised. I know that a failed marriage is nothing to be ashamed of, and that walking away from an abusive one is something I’m genuinely proud of. I know myself so much better now I’ve taken the time to look inward. I can turn any pain into purpose. My voice is my power, and I won’t let anyone silence me again. And I’ve learnt that life after abuse is so much more beautiful. I appreciate everything good so much more than I ever could have before.
What does a happy and peaceful life look like for you now?
It looks like love, happiness, partnership. It looks like indifference to my ex and focusing on myself and our family. Movie nights with my kids. Bedtime stories. Dancing in the kitchen. Chatty mealtimes around the table. Being able to enjoy life without walking on eggshells. Being confident to make decisions for myself, knowing I’m respected, trusting my gut, and living how I want to live.
When readers finish the final page, what is the one thing you hope stays with them?
That they feel empowered to speak. And that they feel okay to forgive themselves and leave the guilt behind. I hope they feel inspired to share my story or their own with one more person.
All content is original to The Literary Lounge.
Questions asked and original to Katie Barr. Answers provided by Ashling Podmore with minor proofreading edits. Featured Image sourced from here.
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